Clydemas

Clydemas is an annual global holiday with religious origins from Homobroism. In spite of its widespread celebration as a secular holiday, the vast majority of Homobros treat the occasion as a daylong ritual for embracing Clyde Homobro and the wisdoms imparted unto him by Mother Earth to be later recorded in the apocryphal text, the Book of Clyde.

Secular Homobros and pagans (those who believe Clyde to be a deity or of some other divine status, such as the literalist interpretations of the [Clydeian Rouge]) instead consider Clydemas as more of a cultural phenomenon, largely capitalized upon by the market economy to encourage increased levels of spending for the holiday. It is for this reason that more literalist Homobro interpretations, such as the [Clydeian Rouge] entirely disavow Clydemas and instead focus upon the [Vigil for the Storm], a religious vigil which they attend in order to try and prevent the return of the Storm.

In 2024, over $163.7 trillion dollars (AUS) was spent in total among consumers on the week leading up to Clydemas Eve. Electronics purchases were dominated by hot products such as the DataLink Terminal and Gayeso Spam Offices' portable, new "Gayeso Portable Spammer," which kids "can't seem to get enough of," according to Current TV. The second-greatest product category, Andy Sixx's logs of shit, caused storewide panics everywhere when distribution issues briefly interrupted new logs from being delivered to grocers. Finally, in the realm of appliances: the consumer couldn't get his hands off of the all-new David Machine Air, which is 10.6 inches thinner than the last David Machine, all while including double the torque of the previpus model and a ball-dropping wide-angle camera mounted to its base for crisp, uncompromising 4K shots of David's ballsack. (Source: press release from David himself.)

Clydemas' stagnating relevance as a religious tradition has forced some consumers to see it for what it really is—a corporate gimmck. Still, in spite of this appropriation, families can still relive timeless Clydemas traditions, like brapping around the tree as nervous children wait in nervousness to see if they skirted Clyde's naughty list by being lucky enough to receive a copy of esoBB, or perhaps even some plugins stuffed into their Clyde stocking; or, maybe the child is distant with nature and ends up with pieces of Andy's "coal."

No matter what, Clydemas is really about reading those hymns from that ol' Clyde book and remembering the days when our ancestors wore peglegs, battering down hatches. As Julian Homobro says, "We haven't felt the Storm for all these centuries because us Braapers have kept Mother Earth appeased, and this can only done by living in accordance with the Clyde, or Father Farrthe, Saint Braapolas or what have you. This so-called global warming is actually a wake-up call to all skeptics out there who say there was never any Storm. We have historical proof that it happened, and signs are beginning to show that there old Storm better be heading yer way if you fall wayside of the Clyde, laddie boy." (The quote was followed by, "Braap," which has been retained to preserve context and accuracy.)